#im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad

[6queerducks]

Had a dude last night explain to me why everything I believe when it comes to spiritual and metaphysical shit is all 100% wrong because hes apparently the "most woke dude" my best friend knows. He told me you cant clear or cleanse a crystal to change the vibe of it you can only 'mask' the original energy, which is bs Ive cleared a lot of crystals for not only me but a lot of friends. My last ex gave me a couple for Christmas and holding them made me feel sick. This dude tried saying they werent ment for me but Ive had crystal that no longer where ment for me and holding them didnt make me feel sick it just felt like holding a rock but after clearing and cleansing the crystals I got they dont make me sick. But while thats apparently impossible according to this dude, the only reason I can clear the negative energy (which he also said is impossible for a crystal to hold because they all clear energy themselves) was because Im a 'messenger' and he didnt even try to explain that to me. But he just. Wouldnt stop contradicting himself??? Years back me and Blake went to a crystal shop near my house to check out one of their lessons. This person that was there was doing Spirit Aura readings after the lesson and Im a curious dude so I did kt. When told about this my friends friend wouldnt even let me finish before saying it was all bs cause the peraon had cards to help show and explain what they looked like and what it ment. Apparently you cant SEE a spirit aura. Mine was apparently scarlet red and looked like an Aurora. As soon as I mentioned Auroru Borealis he was quick as shit "Oh well if it looked like and aurora then youre for sure a messenger. Notice how I said you were before you even mentioned the aura??" And its like okay. But you. Just said it was bs cause you cant see an aura???? But now apparently you can cause it proved he was right about me being a messenger. I learned most of my shit from people who have been doing magic and all the fun spiritual shit since before this dude was even a thought. Im gonna fucking lsiten to them and not some dude who laughed in my face when I said I clear my crystals and when I said I dont 100% believe in chakra cause I havent really dont anything w it personally. Like Im sorry but Im not gonna believe something just because a lot of other people w similar beliefs do. Im very science driven and like to test the shit myself. But apparently thats hottible and I HAVE to believe in EVERY SPIRITUAL THING in order to say Im spiritual??? No offense to anyone but Im so tired of these New Age people taking things that were parts of various other belief systems for centuries and trying to tell me Im full of shit and "not woke" just cause chakras??? You do not have to believe everything to be spiritual I do not care what you say. But I also never said charka isnt real I just said I had been able to do anything w chakras to make me believe like Ive tried the whole put crystals on the chakra points but it didnt really do much and kts something Im looking more into but until I get it Im not gonna say its 100% real cause I like science too and I like to be able to prove stuff in at least someway but Ive also been doing some of this shit since 7th grade so what do I know I guess. But fuck man I never thought Id have a dude mansplain spiritualism and shit to me. Oh he also laughed at me when I said my friend is prolly an empath, cause she had just said "Sometimes I can feel other people emotions but I have a hard time telling it from my own" but thats not an empath because "emotions, vibes, and energy are all different" and yes emotions are but they help drive your vibe and shit to me and most people I know "vibes" and "energy" are basically the same thing right its the feeling you give off. But he laughed at me and then went on to say empaths are litterally what I just said. He wants me to trip w them but I wanted to punch him after only hour he was such a pretentious snobby asshole and I hate it dude wasnt "woke" he just did a fuck ton of drugs and read some wiki pages

[sapphic-bifrost]

‘get well soon’, ‘i hope you’re well’, ‘feel better’. such innocently spoken words, yet so empty. if im honest, they mean next to nothing to me, at least when they aren’t accompanied by deeper words. how noncommittal. how easy. ‘i am expressing sentiment that i would like you to do well, but no effort shall be made on my part to facilitate such an event’. so rarely spoken with contempt, and yet they feel so bitter. so hollow.

fitting when you don’t know someone. appropriate, when the offering of extensive efforts would be at best surprising and at worst uncomfortable. but when people i know/knew really well go ‘hope ur well’ and that’s it??

what if im not well? would you do anything? do you care to do anything? there’s no obligation of course. i dont ever truly /expect/ the people who claim to love me to act upon their proclaimed love. but if you truly hoped it then you’d extend some offer of assistance, however vague or grand or small. there would be ‘please let me know if/how i can help’, ‘reach out to me if you need’, ‘i am here for you, if/when you need me’.

i always try to say these things. to be clear. im not always. but words words words, words are so easily parroted. the same phrase said the first time with great significance could mean nothing when copied.

i spend so much time thinking about how humans are social creatures. or are meant to be. And yet ive yet to meet many people who come anywhere close to truly empathizing and communicating effectively, even fewer who do so better than i do (i think its exactly one person). and im nowhere near perfect. and i just wonder?? im so flawed and yet im objectively one of the better out of everyone i know. no wonder so many of us are absolutely miserable.

i could be dangling off a bridge and people would say ‘i hope it gets better soon bby <333’ and walk away to start writing a memorial post. why are people so bad at actually taking action??? /doing/ things to make a difference to other people? im tired of seeing people who talk like they care and then dont ever do anything. not even just for myself. its me, and its people i know, and people i dont know, and im watching everyone be passive and mopey all over social media and no one /does/ anything. not enough people make gift boxes to surprise people or text them out of the blue to check on them when they know they’re not doing well. not enough people contact someone’s friends to make sure they’re safe when they aren’t going to be physically close and in contact. not enough people pay attention to what is important. to what is just Really Bad Emotions and what is Im Actually Going To Kill Myself And Need Someone Now. these are things ive done, and had done for me, but only by like. two people ever in my life. and im tired. im tired of trying so so so hard and trying to be good and sweet and kind and unblemished. im not perfect. ive never been perfect. i also hate this standard of ‘how dare u be aware of a failing of mine when you yourself are not absolutely perfect without a single flaw to be seen?’ but that’s a topic for another 3 am braindump post. im tired of trying to be better than i expect other people to be, of always trying to give so much more than i ask for.

im tired of having to add a million disclaimers to every post being critical of other human beings. because if im honest? i think i try harder than a lot of people i know. ive only really been vocal about my efforts to maybe 3ish people, one of whom was my ex and boy oh boy did that come back to bite me in the ass. do i regret trying so hard to be honest with her about some things? yes absolutely in the context of that relationship specifically but thats too personal so i dont want to post about it. but with most people, im quiet. and i observe. and so many people are lazy. so lazy. yall act on your first emotions and that’s all. its like im doing test run after test run before i do things and everyone else is launching prototypes and wondering why they dont work properly. and people have actually asked me how i deal with stuff. or they run into a similar situation years after i do, and ask me how i handled it. and i dont know how to explain that it doesnt fucking happen just because you want it to. it takes work, so much work, and sometimes you get it wrong and thats okay! but you cant just /stop/ where its wrong and think that’s enough effort. breaks are sometimes necessary! feeling like you’re sliding backward is normal!! but if you’re not satisfied with where you are, you have to eventually keep pushing to move forward. otherwise you dont really have much of a right to complain about not getting anywhere.

anyway im fucking tired and this probably comes off as me having a superiority complex. maybe i do when it comes to this, i dont fucking know anymore. i dont think im anywhere near perfect and thinking about myself makes me want to crack my skull open but i also feel like i am strides ahead of nearly everyone i know/knew so uh. who knows! im just very annoyed but also too exhausted to do any more than process my thoughts and dump a summary here so. oop im running out of steam, that’s all folks! i wish everyone striving to improve their emotional intelligence and maturity a very pleasant evening. and also good night to everyone else because i cant even be salty in peace.